(Sirens, a fire crackles)
JONTY: Jack! Slow down!
JACK: Never.
JONTY: The whole… building’s on fire.
JACK: That’s why we’re on the roof.
JONTY: Jonty does not like this. Jack said, you said we were just going to have a look and then call the proper authorities.
JACK: Jonty, I am the proper authorities.
JONTY: You set the building on fire.
JACK: Fire’s the best way to kill of an infection , especially if it’s an alien virus growing in the air con.
JONTY: Jonty thinks we’re going to die. More importantly you’re going to-
JACK: You’re acting like you’ve never jumped off a burning building before.
JONTY: Jonty has not.
JACK: Then you haven’t lived, Jonty. Woo! Zipwire. Here, Jonty, take this.
JONTY: What is ‘this’?
JACK: Harness. Hahaha. A leather harness. Now jump!
JONTY: Is it safe?
JACK: Perfectly! I’ll be right behind you, hold on tight! Woo!
JONTY: Jonty cannot do this.
JACK: Of course you can, here!
JONTY (screaming): YALNIX PRESERVE US!!
JACK: Live a little Jonty!
JONTY: Jonty does not like this. Jonty does not like this!! The cable’s gone! We are going to die!
JACK: No, no. Hold on tight. We’ll be fine!
JONTY: How can you do this? You’re pregnant!
(Torchwood theme plays)
…
JACK: Quickly, it’s getting away.
JONTY: Wait for me! Ugh, Jonty hates this. It is unhygienic.
JACK: Well, it is a sewer.
JONTY: Jonty’s point is, this is no fit place for you in your condition.
JACK: Relax, we’re just Weevil hunting.
JONTY: Think of the germs. You could harm the spawn.
JACK: It’s a baby! Ugh, shut up!
JONTY: What is the problem?
JACK: Ugh, just… the smell. Touch nauseous.
JONTY: Nausea signals a growth spurt. It is to be expected in the second and final week of the spawn’s pregnancy.
JACK: Baby.
JONTY: Spawn baby.
JACK: Junior! My sense of smell is kind of heightened, that’s all. Woo! I swore I’d never get pregnant again. Come on, Jack. (he groans) Use it. Makes hunting easier. Terrence! Where are you? If he’s not eaten all of the lady’s arm then maybe we can reattach it. What?
JONTY: Jonty does not consider this responsible behaviour.
JACK: Are you kidding? Junior is seeing the world. And part of the deal for carrying-
JONTY: The next ruler of the Yalnix Empire.
JACK: The deal was, I could carry on as normal for as long as possible.
JONTY: Chasing hideous things around sewers isn’t ‘normal’.
JACK (taking deep breaths): It is for me. Anyway, I’m not to blame for Weevils. We always get Weevils. Come on. When we see them, we usually deal with them. I’m getting slow.
JONTY: That’s only to be expected as foetal incubation accelerates.
JACK: Oh, you romantic, Jonty.
JONTY: Jonty is not here to be romantic. As Jack’s midwife, Jonty is here to-
JACK: Nag?
JONTY: Offer sensible medical advice. Such as, for instance, not wading through a stew of hostile bacteria or fighting vicious predators and-
Jack: You’re still cross about the burning building, aren’t you?
JONTY: The exploding building if we’re to be precise.
JACK: Can you give it a rest?
JONTY: Relax and it will pass. Remember the breathing exercises we did.
JACK: Yeah. I just wanna lie down.
JONTY: Not in this water. What is this?
JACK: We’ve alerted the entire Weevil nest.
JONTY: Is that bad?
JACK: Oh, yes. (he groans) Can you ask them to wait ‘til I’ve thrown up?
JONTY: Jonty really does not like this. They’re going to attack us!
(Roaring. Gunshots. The roaring stops)
JACK: Actually that’s much better. Any of you fellas seen an old lady’s arm?
…
JONTY: This table will never clean. Never.
JACK: Oh, the leader of cherry aid and one salt beef peanut butter poppy seed bagel. Haha!
JONTY: Well, Jonty supposes that’s high in protein.
JACK: Oh, yes, it is divine. Ugh (he spits it out) They’ve used crunchy peanut butter, not smooth!
JONTY: Jonty will go and change it.
JACK: I don’t deserve you, Jonty. No offence, Junior, but I hate this. I just want it over with. I love it!
JONTY: They’re seeing what they can do.
JACK: Thank you.
JONTY: If Jonty can have a word. Jonty is concerned. You seem determined to press on throughout your surrogacy.
JACK: Yeah.
JONTY: The third gestation of the spawn baby is normally the period where hosts need to rest in a safe, protected environment.
JACK: Are you telling me how to raise my child?
JONTY: As a Yalnix midwife, Jonty does not consider this a protected environment.
JACK: Cardiff is. I protect it. Have done for over a century.
JONTY: Jonty knows that. It’s just… well, when it’s not on fire, it’s disgusting. Just look outside at that human male. What’s he doing to the window?
JACK: Relieving himself. Haha.
JONTY: Jonty thought so.
JACK: Relax. I’ve been pregnant before. I am completely in control.
JONTY: Jonty is not convinced.
JACK: Okay, the first pregnancy was a student prank.
JONTY: This situation is not a prank.
JACK: You are so horrible to me! Why are you so horrible to me? You think I’m terrible, don’t you?
JONTY: Please, pull yourself together.
JACK: You’re criticising everything, criticising me! Why are you so mean to me? Next thing, you’ll want to shove me down the stairs!
JONTY: This is just a mood swing caused by hormonal imbalance. Jonty wishes Jack would reassert control over his emotions.
JACK: Hoo, I know I know, I’m sorry I’m sorry, I’m rubbish. I’m totally letting you down.
WAITRESS: There you go. Salt beef and peanut butter.
JACK: Ah! Oh! Smooth?
WAITRESS: Yes.
JACK: Ugh, I don’t want it now. I don’t want it now, I don’t feel hungry. (he starts to cry)
…
JONTY: Jack should be at home.
JACK: This is an emergency.
(a loud explosion)
JACK: See? Emergency.
JONTY: What is that?
JACK: Tomvaris destructor ship. Thank god I managed to get them to land on the heleport. That thing would ruin the city centre.
JONTY: Destructor ship?
JACK: Yeah, sounds worse than it is.
TOMVARIS (robotic voice): Surrender or we will destroy this world.
JONTY: But they’re invading!
JACK: I know. Classic! Haha, love it!
TOMVARIS: We are searching for the next ruler of the Yalnix.
JONTY: What?! Jonty does not like this.
JACK: Uh oh, bounty hunters. Looks like your plan of hiding the next ruler away has blown a puncture.
JONTY: What now?
(a car turns up)
JACK: And I wanted to deal with this myself.
BRIGADIER: Attention aliens. You are surrounded.
JONTY: Who are they?
JACK: UNIT. They’re like Torchwood. With bigger guns and a HR department.
JONTY: Oh, Jonty does not like this.
JACK: Me neither.
TOMVARIS: Surrender.
BRIGADIER: No. You surrender.
JONTY: Oh, Yalnix. This can’t be good for the spawn baby.
JACK: Don’t worry. (he clears his throat) Hello, Tomvaris. Hello, UNIT. Listen to me.
TOMVARIS: Surrender or be destroyed. Where is the Yalnix ruler?
BRIGADIER: You there! I need you to step aside.
JACK: No! Listen, Tomvaris. You’re looking for the next ruler of the Yalnix, huh? See this bump? It’s in me! Haha.
TOMVARIS: Give it to us.
JACK: I give it to you, you’ll use it to take control of the Yalnix Empire, yes?
JONTY: You can’t!
JACK: Thing is, I hate being pregnant. Ha, woo! My hormones are all over the place. And you’re pointing a battle fleet at me. Think of the baby!
JONTY: What is Jack doing?
JACK: Fire on me and it’s curtains for Junior and your plan. So, go on!
JONTY: Are you insane?
JACK: I dare you. No, I double dare you. Start firing. My midwife here is going to need a mop and a bucket and another job. Well?
TOMVARIS: Uhhhh.
JACK: You! Soldier girls. Ha. And boys. Listen! The Tomvaris are about to leave this world in peace. Nice try. You failed. Am I right?
TOMVARIS: We shall return.
JACK: Will you, though? You’re bounty hunters on a daily rate. Just keep searching. And UNIT. You’re gonna turn your tanks around, find a service station, pull in and have a nice cup of tea. Right? Much better than starting an interstellar war. Because one stray bullet comes my way and you’ll be dealing with Tomvaris mercenaries, the Yalnix Empress and thirteen warring factions she’s keeping a fragile grip on.
JONTY: You are being rude about the Empress.
JACK: Always. Well, what’s it to be?
JONTY: Please. Do as he says. Leave the spawn baby alone.
(the spaceship leaves)
JACK: Hahaha, oh! That went surprisingly well. And now I feel hungry again.
JONTY: Jonty doesn’t… Jonty can’t… of all the shocking sacrilege, outrageous behaviour, how could you endanger the next ruler?
JACK: Jonty, you’ve got bigger problems. If the Tomvaris have found us, there’s every chance the other factions have. And the, uh, oh, what’s the name again? The- the Vad?
JONTY: The ancient enemy.
JACK: Oh, see? Not looking good for Junior.
…
IANTO: Long night, sir?
JACK: Ianto, the longest.
IANTO: How… are you?
JACK: Never better.
IANTO: Right. Where’s-?
JACK: The midwife? Ohhoho, left him sobbing on the heleport. You know how it is.
IANTO (whispering): So, mood swings.
JACK (groaning): What’s on the agenda?
IANTO: Uh, I think perhaps a sit down.
JACK: Nonsense. I am on a high. I fancy breakfast. Junior is hungry. Yes, breakfast!
IANTO: And what hellish concoction will you go for this time?
JACK: Today I’m all about the salt. And… oh, daddy needs his medicine. Hang on. (glass smashes) Oh! Woah! Oh god. Look at the mess.
IANTO: Hey! Hey hey hey, it’s just a bottle of antacid, it’s not the end of the world.
JACK: No, I’m such a clutz at the moment.
IANTO: People spill things all the time. I’ll clear it up.
JACK (crying): How can I look after a baby when I can’t even look after a computer?
IANTO: Jack, don’t be daft. It’s just your hormones speaking. And look at it this way, at least your keyboard won’t get indigestion. (he laughs)
JACK: IT’S NOT FOR INDIGESTION!! I have terrible reflux. The egg sac is taking up more and more space in my abdomen and my stomach’s… it’s getting kind of squashed.
IANTO: Egg sac. Well, okay.
JACK: You think I’m disgusting, don’t you?
IANTO: Noo.
JACK: It’s perfectly normal at this stage of a pregnancy, if you must know.
IANTO: Of course it is. Why are you doing this? I’ll go buy another bottle.
JACK: You think that was- that was my only one? I have a bottle in every room. Except this one. (he starts crying again) Because I spilled it. Oh, all over the keyboard. You hate me right now, don’t you? You’d be right to with the-
IANTO: Sudden pregnancy, yes.
JACK: Tell me. I really disappointed you.
IANTO: Define disappointed, I’m currently at really surprised.
JACK: I ruined the computer! I’m a mess. ‘Course you hate me. You hate me. Please don’t say you hate me.
IANTO: Of course I don’t… hate you. Look, the computer will be fine, okay? The question is, will you?
JACK (mumbling): Oh, I’m fat.
JONTY: Iantoo!
IANTO: Jonty. Thought you’d be lurking outside. Look, can we talk
JONTY: Sure, but what about Jack? He needs to be watched at all times.
IANTO: Don’t worry, I’ve left Jack watching puppy videos. He won’t miss me.
JONTY: How is he doing?
IANTO: Oh, fine. Why? How do you think he’s doing?
JONTY: Jonty thinks he is doing… fine.
IANTO: Yeah. Fine. I heard about the battle fleet. We need to get Jack away from here.
JONTY: We do?
IANTO: I think so. And not just because of all the mercenaries heading this way. I’ve gotta be honest, I’m… really struggling with this.
JONTY: Why?
IANTO: Why? WHY? Because two of our friends die and Jack goes off and I think he’s coming to terms with it, but oh no. Suddenly he’s pregnant.
JONTY: He said he wished to bring new life into the world.
IANTO: And I’m meant to act like everything is normal! Well, it’s not! ‘Cause that’s not a normal reaction, is it? Avoidance is one thing. Jack is up the duff! Now that old couple by the coffee shop are looking at me.
JONTY: Iantoo realises how important this is to our people?
IANTO: Yes. Maybe. I dunno. Jack tried explaining it, but it was so… weird. Don’t even ask about what Gwen said.
JONTY: It’s our life cycle. To us, it’s natural.
IANTO: Using other species as surrogates?
JONTY: Yes. The Yalnix Empire is a fragile union in an endless war with the Vad. When the time comes for a new ruler, the Empress implants the next Emperor in one of the factions to promote harmony. Only… the alliance is currently so fragile that the Empress could not trust any of them to act as surrogates. So she chose Jack.
IANTO (chuckling): Because that’s logical.
JONTY: The Empress and Jack. They have… history. Jack agreed.
IANTO: He would. And without thinking it through.
JONTY: Iantoo is right. There are changes in the host’s personality. Also if the spawn baby’s under threat it will protect itself. Jonty has told Jack several times. Jack does not seem to have listened.
IANTO: I’m sure he did.
JONTY: He just tried to get blown up!
IANTO: Oh, god.
JONTY: Jack was stopping the Tomvaris from stealing the next ruler. Perhaps they will not tell anyone?
IANTO: Invasion fleets can be gossipy.
JONTY: So Iantoo thinks they may broadcast the whereabouts of the next ruler?
IANTO: May do. Cardiff just became a very dangerous place for a man to be pregnant.
….
Jack (out of breath): Oh, hey there!
WOMAN: Hey.
JACK: Oh, sorry. Haha, being chased by a-
WOMAN: Dragon, is it?
JACK: Yeah. Seems hungry. You wouldn’t mind if I took one of your hot dogs? Actually, make that two. Kind of peckish.
WOMAN: Uh, sure. Uh, uhh, onions?
JACK: Oooh, yes. Lots of onions.
WOMAN: There you go. Sauces are on the side.
(robotic noises)
JACK: Thank you. Ha. So then, have a hot dog! They’re nice, nicer than people. Actually, needs mustard. At the moment, everything I eat needs mustard. Oh. There you go, try it now. Hahaha. See, what do you think, hey? Oh, I know it’s unfamiliar, it’s strange, but kinda nice. Like this whole world. Hot dogs. Thing is, you ignore hot dogs. They’re there. You take them for granted. Then one day you realise, oooh, that they’re gone. Imagine that! A world without hot dogs! I’m talking about people. Ugh, hot dogs taste better though, believe me. You’re gonna try and eat some people next, aren’t you?
(mechanical noises)
JACK: Ugh, could the Sneezer not just work? That really is the kind of day I’m having, it’s all so unfair.
IANTO (in the distance): Jack, get down!
JACK: Ianto!
(the crowd gasp, the dragon groans)
JACK: Ianto, he only wanted to eat.
IANTO: People. He wanted to eat people. I can’t even leave you watching puppy videos.
JONTY: Jonty would like you to get in the car.
IANTO: Now!
JACK: This was going fine. Sort of.
JONTY: You put the spawn baby at risk again.
IANTO: Jack, get in the car! And stay there! I’ll just work out how to get an unconscious dragon back through the rift and wipe the memories of a crowd of people.
(the crows murmur)
IANTO: No no no, not you. Just another crowd of innocent bystanders. Haha.
(car door shuts)
JACK: Listen, guys.
IANTO: This stops now. Before the city’s destroyed.
JACK: I am on top of things. Really, I am.
JONTY: Iantoo? Jonty thinks the dragon’s waking up again.
….
IANTO: Now, you’ve got everything, yes?
JACK: Yes, mum.
IANTO: Antacid, toothbrush, underwear.
JACK: I’ve packed all those things.
IANTO: Slippers?
JACK (sarcastically): Oh, dammit. Forgot the slippers.
IANTO: Aw, I bought them special.
JACK: Such a shame.
IANTO: Oh, I get it. ‘Forgot them’.
JACK: Tartan I could’ve lived with. But pom-poms?
IANTO: Okay. I just… wish I could be there for you.
JACK: I know. But someone’s gotta be there to protect my city. And you’re the best person for it.
IANTO: Hm. Thank you.
JACK: No word from-?
IANTO: Gwen? Still necking piña coladas in Tenerife as far as I know. Mobile signal’s bad there, I guess.
JACK (sighing): She still needs time.
IANTO: I know. Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.
JACK: And I’ll be fine here.
IANTO: Promise?
JACK: Cross my heart and-
IANTO: It means nothing when you say that.
JACK: Yeah. Are you okay with this? Like, you know, all of this?
IANTO: I… guess I’ll have to be.
JACK: I should’ve told you, I know. I’m sorry.
IANTO: Let’s not do this now.
JACK: But it was an emergency! There was no one else.
IANTO: I know. I know why you’re really doing this.
JACK: What?
IANTO: Just… just try and stay out of trouble, yeah?
JONTY: Does Jack require assistance with luggage?
JACK: No. Taxi’s all packed.
JONTY: Iantoo.
IANTO: Jonty. Promise me you’ll take care of him.
JONTY: Jonty promises. It is Jonty’s job to provide protection.
IANTO: I’m serious. If there’s the first sign of trouble you-
JACK: There won’t be!
IANTO: But if there is.
JONTY: Jonty will alert you and we will move Jack to the birthing ship.
IANTO: Okay… And where is that?
JONTY: Under Penarth Pier.
IANTO: Lovely. You will call, won’t you?
JACK: Yes! Goodbye, Ianto.
IANTO: Goodbye.
(they kiss and Jack laughs)
JACK: Come on, Jonty. If I can survive being buried alive, I can survive this.
(the car doors shut and the car drives away)
IANTO (to himself, in the car): Look after yourself Jack.
….
(footsteps, inside the health spa)
PAULA: Welcome to the Monkstone Abbey Health Spa. I’m Paula, you’re my executive stress package.
JONTY: Yes. I’m Jonty. This is Jack.
PAULA: Lovely. Uh, twin, is it? Or double, not judging.
JONTY and IANTO (together): Twin please.
PAULA: Lovely. I’ve put you both on no refined sugar, no dairy, and no carbs. Is that a bit of over-indulgence I see, Jack? But let’s see if we can pull you back from the brink, shall we? Lovely. Now, if you pop on these wristbands, the canteen staff will know what to allow you with your meals.
(Jack laughs)
PAULA: And I’ve printed off our yoga and hydrotherapy timetables. Our swimming pool has an underwater treadmill, massage points and built-in jacuzzi.
JONTY: We are fine.
JACK: I don’t know, sounds fun.
PAULA: We find that guests who take part get the most out of their stay at Monkstone. The ones who really want to make that change. Lovely. Now, is there anything else I can help you with?
JACK: Yeah, I’m feeling kind of peckish…
PAULA: Dinner is served in the Sunset Lounge at 7.
JACK: Not sure if I can wait three hours, hmm. Haha. See. Anywhere I can get a snack?
PAULA: If we’ve one golden Monkstone rule, it’s no snacking. I can see we’ll have to help you control those urges.
JACK: If I could control my urges, I wouldn’t be in here! Hey, Jonty?
JONTY: Uhh.
PAULA: When men put on a bit of extra weight around the midriff, it’s usually a call for help. Don’t worry, Jack. I hear your cry. Here’s your key card. We’ve given you lots of towels. Our male guests get through them like baby wipes.
JONTY: Jonty thanks you. What’s the security like here? There are guards, aren’t there?
PAULA: I’m sorry?
JACK: My colleague, (he whispers) bit of a breakdown.
PAULA: Oh. Overwork or wife left him? Wife, isn’t it?
JACK: He just gets startled easily. By loud noises.
PAULA: Oh, we’ll be testing the fire alarm tomorrow at 11.
….
JACK: Oh. Oh, Jonty there’re a lot of towels in our room. Pity you can’t eat towels. Haha. Was this really a good idea?
JONTY: Jonty is hopeful. Jonty is also intrigued by this.
JACK. What, a lounge?
JONTY: No, this thing. This screen box. It is showing pictures of people arguing.
JACK: Ohh, it’s a TV. Ha. That’s a soap opera.
JONTY: Singing soap? Fascinating. The Yalnix do not have this. Jonty thinks the loud female is going to hit the male. Jack must watch this all the time.
JACK: No! Not really. Huh. Don’t normally have the time.
JONTY: But the female. She has thrown a glass of liquid over another female who is now pulling at her head fur. This is an alternative to conflict, yes. No wonder you have so few wars.
JACK: Oh, we have lots of wars.
JONTY: Less than the Yalnix. This place. This… health farm is a good location.
JACK: What?
JONTY: It is why we came here. Outside the main population centre. If the Vad find us, we can defend it. It is solidly built because it used to be an.. asylum.
JACK: Ohhh, I wondered why the windows had bars.
JONTY: We are secure. The spawn baby must be protected.
JACK: Call it Junior! Just for once. For me. (to the TV) You tell him girl! Woohoo! Albie is SO having an affair. Woo!
JONTY: Human interactions are complex. Jack said he does not watch soap operas, and yet he knows that the human male is called Albie.
JACK (clearing his throat): Ha. Oh! Ayayay, oh Junior’s on the move. Ooh. Oh, that’s weird. Hoohoo! But it’s, oh, it’s made some room at least. Oh, I’m starving.
JONTY: Jonty thought you would be. It is why Jonty smuggled in crisps.
JACK: Oh, Jonty. These are the cheesy ones. (he takes a bite and seems to enjoy them) Oh, I’m in Heaven, it’s amazing! This is kinda what I was hoping for.
JONTY: Crisps?
JACK: Peace. Sitting down. Only having to worry about one thing. (he sighs) So much has happened recently. Bad stuff.
JONTY: Such as?
JACK (to the TV): Oh, you go girl!! Haha! You are SO getting banned from the pub for that. Get out!
WOMAN: Oh.
JONTY: Greetings, fellow resident. Can we help you?
JACK: Don’t worry, it’s just another guest. Come to watch TV?
JONTY: Really? Jonty finds her posture threatening.
JACK: It’s okay. (to the woman) Come in! Carrie’s just poured a cider over Bruce. Yeah, really.
JONTY: The resident is staring at you.
JACK: Hey, you okay?
WOMAN: No.
JONTY: Jonty does not like this.
JACK: What is it?
WOMAN: So much life.
(mysterious sounds)
WOMAN: Oh.
JACK: Hi?
WOMAN: Oh. Hello.
JACK: Are you okay?
WOMAN: I- y-yes. I think so. Forgot why I came here.
JACK: Uhm, to watch TV?
WOMAN: No, I… I don’t think so. Hmm. Bit light-headed after my hot stone massage. Sorry to have bothered you.
JACK: Oh. Don’t mention it.
….
JACK: What was that?
JONTY: Jonty does not know.
JACK: They were just staring at us and crying. It’s not normal. Have the Vad found us already?
JONTY: It… might be. Jonty has never seen the Vad.
JACK: You haven’t?
JONTY: Generations of war have caused terrible injuries to both sides. The Yalnix can no longer reproduce without surrogates and it is said that the Vad have lost their bodies. We do not know what they look like.
JACK: You’ve been fighting a war so long you no longer know what your enemy looks like?
JONTY: Maybe the Vad have come here. Oh, the Vad are here. The Vad are hunting for the spawn baby.
JACK: We don’t know that.
JONTY: Jonty will lean against the door while Jack climbs out the window.
JACK: Bars, remember?
JONTY: Oh, yes. If they find us, they will kill the next ruler.
JACK: SHUT UP PLEASE!! Oh, sorry, hormones. Just relax, please. Need to think straight. We’ll be fine. Just need a moment to calm down and think. Ooh, oh god, my stomach.
JONTY: Does Jack need more crisps?
JACK: So much, yes. Ugh, it’s kicking! Settle down, Junior.
JONTY: I also have beef jerkoff.
JACK: Ooh, maybe later. Oh, anyway that’s good. Mm, crisps. They help me think. Honest.
JONTY: Jonty is not convinced.
JACK: Look, I can’t control my body. It hates me right now. (he takes a deep breath) Why did I do this?
JONTY: Perhaps it is as Paula said. Stress of the execution.
JACK: No no no. This isn’t even my child. I mean, one day. One day I’ll have a kid and it’ll have the best of me. Immortality and cheek bones. Haha.
JONTY: Why does Jack do this? Goodness. What is it you hide?
JACK: I’ve had to walk a long way to become me. A really long way. And if I have a kid, I don’t- I don’t want them to go through what I’ve been through. Not even a tenth of it. I don’t want them to suffer. And I can’t stop them from suffering because that’s all that life is.
JONTY: Is that really all life is?
JACK: Look, babies are the saddest thing in the world. And the most beautiful, you know. A blend of you and the person you love the most. Ha. Amazing. But you’re giving birth to something that’s going to die. You can promise it you’ll never leave it, that you’ll keep it safe, all sorts of things. But you are lying. You can’t save it from death. I can’t save anyone from death.
JONTY: Is Jack alright?
JACK: No, Jack is sad. Jack is… very sad.
JONTY: Jack must pull himself together. Have more crisps.
(rustling of a crisp packet. a knock at the door)
PAULA: Hello, just me. Paula. Wanted to see how you’re both settling in. Mind if I-
JONTY: Sure.
JACK (with a mouth full of crisps): Hi.
PAULA: Are those crisps?
JACK: Oh, yeah. They’re low fat.
PAULA: Nuh uh. First rule at Monkstone: no snacking. I’ll take those, thank you very much.
(she grabs the crisps away from him)
JACK: Hey!
PAULA: We can’t have you skulking around eating contraband. What next? Crafty cigarettes behind the tennis courts? A cheeky bit of crack cocaine while the rest of us are doing pilates? Naughty. We’ll take these off the menu for you. For now.
JACK: Paula. Have you by any chance noticed anything odd? Strange lights in the sky?
PAULA: I’m sorry?
JACK: I know it sounds strange, but have you?
PAULA: I… Whatever you’re worried about, you’re secure here. Now, I just came to tell you that dinner is ready, if you’ve room. See you down there in five.
(she leaves)
JONTY: Why did Jack do that?
JACK: Just have a hunch. Perhaps she knows something.
JONTY: Jonty thinks confiding in her was a mistake.
JACK: Do you have to always be so critical?? All I meant was something's going on here. Something unusual! I wanted to know what she knew, that is all!
….
PAULA: Oh, there you boys are! The salad bar’s over there. We’ve also some really nutritious soups. You’ve orange wristbands so you can go simply crazy on soups. Want me to show you around?
JACK: No. Thanks. Is there… could we have something proper to eat?
PAULA: We’ve a wild rice, kale and couscous tagine, it’s quite tasty.
JACK: Ew, right.
PAULA: Just try not to have too much of it, but filling. Alright? Lovely. Ciao!
JACK: Ciao! (mockingly) Ciao.
JONTY (slowly): Ciao..?
JONTY: Jonty thinks she means well.
JACK: Everything I fancy: not allowed with an orange wristband. This is now my life. Huh. (quietly to Jonty) Is Paula still watching me?
JONTY: Jonty cannot see her. The shoreline is empty. What are you doing?
JACK: Relax. I used to steal planets. I’m sure I can palm a bread roll. There we go. All while making a fuss of the soup tree . (Loudly) Ooh! Who doesn’t love- ooh! Cabbage and asparagus soup! Ooh, yummy, yum yum yum!
JONTY: Paula has seen Jack.
JACK: Relax, Jonty. Sure she hasn’t. These bread rolls are mine.
JONTY: Jonty thinks we have bigger things to worry about than bread.
JACK: Maslow’s needs heirarchy disagrees with you.
JONTY: Something… wrong about this place.
JACK: Uh oh. That dinner lady’s coming over, keep calm.
JONTY: Jonty is the calm one.
JACK: Great! We’ll be fine then. See? I’m about to walk past this dinner lady and I will be smile, smile, smiliiiing! (to the dinner lady) Hey there! Just an orange band wearer with his orange band dinner soup. Yummy yummy! You have a good day now.
DINNER LADY: Ughh. I must touch you.
JACK: What? No no no, I’m sorry?
DINNER LADY: So much life. I must touch you. You must be secured.
JACK: Hey! Woah! Easy, lady. Hands!
DINNER LADY: You must be secured!
JONTY: Jack? The lights. Something is happening to the lights. And look. The guests. They are all staring.
RESIDENTS (together): You must be secured. (they repeat this while Jack and Jonty are talking)
JONTY: Jonty thinks we should vacate the eating room.
JACK: Jack agrees with Jonty.
(a plate smashes and Jack grunts)
JACK: Quick. Help me. Quick, Jonty, come on!
….
(Jack and Jonty are out of breath)
JACK: You haven’t seen anything like this before?
JONTY: Never.
JACK: So they COULD be the Vad?
JONTY: No. Maybe.
JACK: Why were.. they trying to touch me?
JONTY: Perhaps to harm the spawn baby.
JACK: Ohh, but they didn’t attack me.
JONTY: Maybe they don’t have to. Jonty sensed something in there, a kind of… psychic energy.
JACK: What kind of psychic energy?
JONTY: Powerful. We have to stay away from them.
JACK: Fine by me. Not sure if I can handle much more of that. And I usually love attention.
JONTY: We should leave.
JACK: And go where? This was meant to be ‘the safe place’, remember?
JONTY: Jonty thought it was. We should go somewhere remote.
JACK: We can’t go! If something alien is affecting those women, it’s my duty to find out what that is and stop it.
JONTY: Jonty thinks we should leave.
JACK: First we need somewhere private. Where we can… come up with a plan. Uhh, I think the laundry room is… ohh, it’s this way. Come on. Quick. Ugh. Hoo! It could be something… innocuous. One time, Owen and I drove out to this tiny little village. Haha. Some of the villagers woke up one morning with bright blue hair, like electric blue. Weird, huh?
JONTY: Jack.
JACK: Turned out the local cannabis dealer’s crop was contaminated with lazulium. Haha! Lazulium! Can you believe that? Ha. And the funniest thing?
JONTY: Jack.
JACK: Is that the local vicar was one of the ones with blue hair! (he laughs) Ooh, oh don’t make me laugh so hard. Owen and I, hoo! We laughed so much. I didn’t think we’d ever stop. Ha! The vicar. Oh, Owen. Oh, I really miss him.
JONTY: Jack!
JACK: WHAT?
JONTY: Look.
(the residents are talking in unison, getting closer to Jack and Jonty)
JACK: Okay, maybe we don’t go to the laundry room. Let’s go back the other way. QUICK!
….
JACK: Sneaking around used to be, oh, easier. Hoo, Junior’s out of breath too. Ha. The gym. You can come in, Jonty, it’s deserted.
JONTY: Jonty would like some lights on.
JACK: Can’t see a switch.
JONTY: Please proceed with caution. Make sure you don’t bump into anything.
JACK: In my condition? Yeah. Ooh. Oh, yeah. I guess this is the pool.
JONTY: Proceed with caution! Water can be very dangerous.
JACK: Please stop saying that, it’s not (he gags) helping. I’m feeling quite on edge. Weird. My brain says business as usual, but my stomach…(he groans) makes keeping a clear head hard.
JONTY: Jack’s hormones are shifting. Please regulate your breathing as you move into the final gestation.
JACK: The… the final?? Woah woah woah woah. Wait wait wait. Already?
JONTY: It is unusual. Jack is unusual.
JACK: Look, let’s be clear. Junior is not coming out unless it’s with all the drugs in your birthing ship.
JONTY: Jack is not anatomically equipped to give birth in any other way.
JACK: Woah! (he gags some more) The smell of this pool is really getting to me. (he wretches and gags again) We’re fine. We can hold this off.
JONTY: Jack can hold this off?
JACK: JONTY, ARE YOU KIDDING? I’M PREGNANT!
JONTY: Jack, be quiet.
JACK (about to cry): Sorry, mood swings.
PAULA: I thought I could hear voices. I’ve been looking all over for you two.
JACK: Woo, just checking out the pool. Haha.
PAULA: So I see. (she turns on the light switch) In the dark.
JONTY: There WAS a light switch.
JACK: Oh, shhh.
PAULA: You know, we do prefer our guests to use the facilities while there are staff present. Not making a break for it, are you? People try that, but the hedge around here’s very high.
JACK: What do you want, Paula? Are you gonna search me for bread rolls?
JONTY: We would like to leave.
PAULA: You came here for help. We will give you that. We will protect you. We will make you secure.
JACK: You okay, Paula?
PAULA: Let me touch you.
JONTY: Jack.
PAULA: You have so much life.
(the pool starts to bubble)
JONTY: Jack, the pool. Jonty doesn’t like this.
JACK: Paula? Whatever you’re doing, please stay calm.
PAULA: I’m not doing anything, Jack.
(glass shatters)
PAULA: This is all you. There’s so much life in you.
(more glass shatters)
PAULA: I’m doing none of this.
(Jack starts groaning, while glass is still shattering)
JONTY: Jack? Are you experiencing pain symptoms?
JACK: Yes. Get me out of here, please!
PAULA: There is nowhere to run. You are protected here. Let me touch you.
….
(Jack is out of breath)
JACK: Ohh, that feels really wrong.
JONTY: Jonty does not like any of this. The pain is normal. The humans are not.
JACK: Jonty, please! Jonty, wait!
JONTY: What?
JACK: I feel really bad. The baby’s kicking. OHHHHH, did she do something to me?
JONTY: Please, try and regulate your breathing. (Jack is breathing fast in the background) That would be good.
JACK (between breaths): I-I really-really can’t- so much, ohhh, so much pain!
JONTY: Please calm down. Try. For Jonty. Jonty needs you to calm down. Really quickly so that we can run away in terror.
JACK: I can’t.
JONTY: Can I touch you?
JACK: No! No, not you too.
JONTY: Jonty is midwife. Jonty needs to check on the spawn baby.
(Jack screams)
JONTY: The next ruler is disturbed. Jack must calm down.
(Jack tries to regulate his breathing)
JONTY: That’s good.
JACK: It is?
JONTY: Oh, yes. It is important Jack calms himself or Jack could enter premature labour at any moment.
JACK: WHAT?!
JONTY: Jack is doing the opposite of what Jonty suggested!
PAULA (in the distance): What’s wrong, Jack? You are in pain.
RESIDENTS: (in unison): You are in pain. You are stressed. You must be secured.
JACK: Has everyone taken over? (Jack groans in pain) If we could just… get away from them, we’ll be okay. Don’t worry. Ianto will be here soon.
JONTY: Have you alerted him?
JACK: Well, not yet. Phone’s in my room. Technicality. We’ll be fine. Let’s get to my room.
JONTY: Jonty would advise running.
JACK: Jonty! Wait up! Pleaseee!
….
JONTY: Everything is transparent.
JACK (out of breath): You mean all clear?
JONTY: Ah, yes.
JACK: Lock the door. Push the chair against it and- ah! Oh, nevermind. Oh, I feel like I’m gonna burst.
JONTY: Jonty says, uhm.
JACK: Oh, come on!
JONTY: If Jack had remained calm, this might not be happening.
JACK: This is my fault? I can’t give birth. Not now, not here.
JONTY: And that is why we must contact Iantoo.
JACK: Ianto. His name is Ianto!
JONTY: Sorry. Where is Jack’s portable telephone?
JACK: The table.
(Jonty dials on the phone)
PERSON (on phone): Hello, Castle Taxis!
JONTY: You’re not Iantoo. Give me Iantoo.
PERSON: Pardon? Hello?
JONTY: Iantoo. This… mobile communications device. Jonty does not understand it.
(Jonty starts banging the phone against the floor/wall)
JACK: HEY! My phone! It’s a- have you broken it?
JONTY: Jonty does not know. Jonty does not understand how they work.
JACK: Hold up. I was trusting you with cutting me open, and you don’t know how a phone works?
JONTY: It did not seem information Jonty needed.
(the phone makes noises)
JACK: Oh, here. There. Take it. It’s booting back up. Come on come on come on come on come on come on! Come on!
JONTY: They are here! And Jonty thinks Jack has entered labour.
JACK: Ohh, I will phone Ianto. And he will get here. And everything will be fine.
JONTY: Jonty does not know how you do that.
JACK: What?
JONTY: Jack always assumes things will work out well.
JACK: I… I have to. I’ve lived so long. I have seen so many bad things. Gotta keep going. I hope that one day everything will turn out well.
JONTY: Is that not ignoring evidence?
JACK: Well, I guess so. Oh, maybe you’re right. Ohhhh. Oh, I got a signal! Signal! See? (he starts dialling) The worst doesn’t always happen. Woohoo! (he groans and coughs) Ianto. Oh, Ianto, pick up. Please, pick up. We’re gonna be fine. We are gonna be fine.
JONTY: Oh, Jack‘s friend is not answering.
JACK: OH, SHUT UP.
JONTY: Jonty does not think he will answer.
JACK: He will. He will. This is Ianto.
(wood collapses. Jack and Jonty shriek)
PAULA: We have come for Jack.
(the residents are repeating everything she’s saying)
PAULA: We have come for the child. So much life.
JACK: Not right now. Not now!
JONTY: Jonty will… *I*-I will not let you take him.
PAULA: No?
JONTY: Jonty is trained in battlefield midwifery.
PAULA: I see.
(Paula punches Jonty)
PAULA: Come with us, Jack. You have so much life to give us.
RESIDENTS: Life. Life. So much life.
….
(Jack groans)
JACK: Paula, what have you done to me?
PAULA: We have sedated you. Relax. All will be over soon.
RESIDENTS: The baby shall soon be born.
JACK: The baby shall NOT! Seriously. This is all going wrong. I was not built for this. Oh, unless I get to a birthing ship, I will be torn apart.
RESIDENTS: We want what you have. We want your child. It gives us life.
PAULA: The baby is so special. It gives us so much.
JACK: Please. It’s moving around and- and growing so fast. Oh, guys. Any idea what a spleen does? ‘Cause I no longer have one. Please, listen. Stop this.
RESIDENTS: So much life to give.
JACK: I can feel it feeding off me. This is not supposed to happen. I’m not going to come out of this!
RESIDENTS: You no longer matter. Life. Life. Life.
PAULA: You have given the child life. Your work is now over.
(Jack is screaming in the background)
JACK: Oh, please! Stop all this. Ohh, I thought I could do this, but I got it wrong. Okay? So wrong.
PAULA: Feel the life spilling from him. So much life. So much peace.
RESIDENTS: So much life. So much peace.
JACK: So much pain. Wait. You’re not the Vad. I don’t know what you are.
PAULA: We want what the baby gives us.
RESIDENTS: So much life. So much strength.
JACK: Well, in a few minutes, both the baby and I will be dead. No more. No more power. Understand? You want that?
PAULA: Once the baby is born, we will cherish it. We have no further need of you.
(Jack screams. You can hear his bones cracking)
RESIDENTS: So much life. More life. More.
JACK: AHHH, there go my ribs. It’s not going to work. You’re addicts. You’ve got your supply and you’re going to drain it dry. Please, stop.
RESIDENTS: We will love your child.
JACK: You won’t. You’ll consume it. Stop. Please.
JONTY: Jonty does not like this.
(Jonty punches some of the Residents)
JACK: Jonty! You didn’t abandon me!
JONTY: Jonty would not leave the spawn baby!
PAULA: What are you doing?
JONTY: Jonty returns your chair. (he throws a chair at her) Jonty liked that. Jonty is performing a rescue. Is Jonty doing it right?
JACK (between breaths): Against impossible odds and at the last minute? Yes. What’s going on?
JONTY: No time. Come on. Up. There we go.
JACK: Are you kidding me?
JONTY: Jack must get to the birthing ship immediately.
JACK: I’m not sure I can.
JONTY: Jonty thinks you can. Now move.
(Jack groans)
….
JACK: Oh, please, can we rest?
JONTY: No.
JACK: Ohhhhh, the baby’s so close now, it’s killing me!
JONTY: We must keep moving.
JACK: Those people. They weren’t the Vad.
JONTY: No.
JACK: What’s going on?
JONTY: Jonty may have made a mistake. Small mistake.
JACK: Go on.
JONTY: When the spawn baby feels threatened, it protects itself at a psychic level.
JACK: Oookay.
JONTY: Jack kept putting it in danger. So, Jonty brought Jack here. Remote location. Safe. And the patients would be telepathically influenced by the spawn baby to protect it.
JACK: Jack does not like this.
JONTY: Jonty got it wrong. Humans are more complex than Jonty thought. The next ruler’s influence changed them, made them… powerful.
JACK: My baby turned a health farm into a… an army of crazy psychokinetic warriors?
JONTY: Jonty… Jonty says yes.
JACK: That’s my boy or girl. Girl would be amazing too. (he groans) And now they’re afflicted to feeding off the child which is making it fight back. Which is making them more powerful. Oh and killing me.
JONTY: Jonty says… sorry?
JACK: Ohh, well, look, hey. They found us.
JONTY: Jonty says yes!
RESIDENTS: Give us the child. Give us life. Give us strength.
JACK: They’re not gonna let us get away.
JONTY: Run that way. Jonty will stay.
JACK: I can’t run!
JONTY: Jack will stop making a fuss and do it!
JACK: Okay!
RESIDENTS: Let us near the child. Let us hold him.
JONTY: Jonty says no.
RESIDENTS: Out of our way.
(Jonty screams)
RESIDENTS: You cannot stop us. We must have life.
JACK (to himself): I…. can’t… go on! (he groans) Oh, I’m sorry, Junior. I thought I could do this. Tosh would’ve stopped me. I thought… I thought I would be doing good. I take a fortnight. Bring a new life into the world. Make a change. I was overconfident and stupid and now you are literally tearing me apart. Ugh, my pelvis. Oh, that was my pelvis. Kids. They grow up so fast. I lost them all. I’ve never felt more alone.
PAULA: You have so much life.
JACK: Oh, Paula!
PAULA: I must feed on you.
JACK: For as long as it lasts. Oh, I won’t let you have him.
PAULA: You have nothing left. You came here for a rest, why not let go? No friends. No help. No heroics. You’re just dying.
(a car turns up)
IANTO: Get away from him!
PAULA: I must have life.
IANTO: Stun gun.
(he stuns Paula)
JACK: Oh, Ianto.
IANTO: You are in one hell of a mess. (‘one hell of a mess’ echoes and fades out)
….
(In the car. Ianto has put on whale song)
IANTO: That’s right. Try and breathe. There we go. That was a lovely shallow breath.
JACK: That’s because one of my lungs has just collapsed.
IANTO: Ah.
JACK: Is that whale song??
IANTO: Yes. Calming. I got your phone call.
JACK: Knew you would.
IANTO: Came to rescue you.
JACK: You always do.
IANTO: Even when you do something like this.
(Jack shrieks)
IANTO: Look, I’m trying to be angry with you. You’re not making this easy.
JACK: I’ll try and dislocate my spine more quietly, you idiot.
IANTO: If you could. Why did you do all this?
JACK: Oh, baby’s stopped kicking. Look, it seemed like a good idea.
IANTO: To get pregnant?
JACK: After what happened with T-Tosh and Owen. With John and Gray. I just wanted something good. Something I could control. That’s all. I haven’t been on top of things. Not for a long time. This seemed the right thing to do, to put things right. Have a baby.
IANTO: How’s that working out?
JACK: Oh, must you? I’m- I’m being torn apart from the inside out. And- and we may have turned an entire health spa into poltergeists.
IANTO: Never change, Jack.
JACK: I’m sorry, I really am. I wanted to do the right thing.
IANTO: That’s it with you, isn’t it? ‘I’m Jack. I’m saving the world, so I’m right’ For a hero, you are the most selfish person I know.
JACK: Yes. And I’m sorry.
IANTO: Good.
JACK: Could you turn the whale song off now, please?
IANTO: No. How are you?
JACK: Held together with sticky tape. Daren’t even die incase it harms the spawn baby!
IANTO: Junior.
JACK: Whatever! Are we nearly there yet?
IANTO: Can you see the sea? Then no. The birthing ship’s parked just beyond Penarth Pier. Just hold on ‘til then.
JACK: Oh, then what?
IANTO: I’m sorry?
JACK: How do we get into the birthing ship?
IANTO: You… don’t know?!
JACK: No. Oh! Junior’s on the move again.
IANTO: Fine. Okay.
JACK: I’ll tell you this. Having a kid really takes it out of you. Please hurry, please hurry.
IANTO: I’ll put the siren on.
JACK: We have a siren?
IANTO: Of course! Secret Santa from Gwen. This should clear everyone off the Pier.
JACK: Why? No no no, Ianto. No no no, you- you
IANTO: There’s not enough time to calibrate the ship’s teleporters or the medshields. So, I’m gonna improvise.
JACK: You- you can’t! Ianto! No!
IANTO: With any luck, the ship’ll detect the baby coming and beam up directly into the birthing pod.
JACK: Really?
IANTO: We almost certainly won’t drown.
JACK: No! Maybe I can hold Junior in for another hour.
IANTO: Of course you can. I was having a nice night in. Radio. Cup of hot chocolate. Couple of garibaldis. It was brilliant. But no. I’m doing this instead. For you. Always. Hold tight!
JACK: Ianto! Wait, wait!
(Jack and Ianto scream as the SUV crashes of the Pier and splashes into the water)
….
JACK: Not much further, Junior. Look at this, hey. Your first sewer. Not tonight Maud! Baby on board. Better. Little Junior’s too young to be shooting Weevils, isn’t he? Ah, there you are!
JONTY: Hello! Jonty… Jonty is pleased to see you.
JACK: Yeah, good to see you too. Neutral territory.
JONTY: Is that the… young Emperor?
JACK: Sure is.
JONTY: Beautiful! How is the spawn baby?
JACK: Junior is fine. Getting onto the birthing ship was tricky but after that it was all plain sailing. If you can… ever call having a rapidly baby surgically removed from your intestines ‘plain sailing’. Still. Apparently he’s physically perfect.
JONTY: That is good. The next ruler’s facial features are very pleasing. The Empress will be so proud. That is all that matters.
JACK: And his old man’s on the mend, thanks for asking. Lacking a couple ribs but apparently that can be good, you know. For the yoga.
JONTY: Jonty has pacified the Monkstone Abbey Health Spa. With the spawn no longer in the vicinity, it was easy to bring the patients under control.
JACK: Oh, that’s good! Nice when we don’t have to do all the clearing up.
JONTY: It would be wrong to leave evidence. If the Vad come looking. May I… hold him, now?
JACK: Yeah. Don’t see why not. Just be gentle with him, yeah? Don’t squeeze his tummy, he doesn’t like that.
JONTY: Jonty has trained to hold the next ruler for many years. Oh, he’s surprisingly heavy.
JACK (laughing): Yeah.
JONTY: And his eyes are not yet focused.
JACK: Nope.
JONTY: Yet he is already the King of four star systems.
JACK: Born with a silver spoon in his mouth. That’s my boy. You’re taking him away now, aren’t you?
JONTY: Yes. The Empress needs him.
JACK: ‘Course. Send her my love. Thank you for the opportunity. It wasn’t a piece of cake, but then again (he laughs) no pregnancy is.
JONTY: Jack has done a great thing.
JACK: Have I?
JONTY: There is unity among the factions. There will still be more battles in our Great War, but they will be postponed until the young Emperor is of age. Millions of lives will be saved.
JACK: Well, that’s something. I guess I better leave you two to it. Bye, Junior. It’s been weird. But I’ll miss you.
(He kisses Junior on the forehead. Jonty laughs)
JONTY: He likes that. Oh, he likes that very much. Ciao, Jack. You were an adequate incubation chamber.
JACK: Well, thank you very much, Jonty. Thank you.
JONTY: Not at all.
JACK: See you around, Junior. Make your dad proud.
JONTY: Jonty thinks you did good, Jack. He really does.